it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
