I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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