I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
