i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
