does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
