There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
