so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
