I will die if light touches me.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
