i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
