I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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