one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
