That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
