ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He shit in the fireplace
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
