I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
