can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Alive.
So much puke
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
