Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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