I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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