Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Randomize
