someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
