Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize