You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
PANTIES FOUND
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
