I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The best revenge is premature balding
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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