I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
