**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
