just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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