Umm I'm too high to move.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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