I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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