I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
