I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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