cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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