The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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