He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
