I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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