yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
