I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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