I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I forget how to act sober
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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