These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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