last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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