Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
we're so committed to being not committed
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
