oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
