My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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