he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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