You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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