if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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