I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
