Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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