I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
