Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
