so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
