my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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