so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
In America we eat man semen.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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