Me. At least after what I've been through.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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