Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
