hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
