Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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