Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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