the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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