oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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