his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
