I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
