life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
