look no pants
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
