I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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