I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌ðŸ»ï¸
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
