i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
