So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
