apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
