How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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