When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
