Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
